Category Archives: emotions


Tonight, watching Parenthood, something struck me. One of the Moms was diagnosed with breast cancer. It showed her trying to be strong for her family, for her kids, and for herself. But behind closed doors, she was a mess.

I can only think of my mom. When I was born, her whole world was turned upside down. She relied on everyone to take care of me. I can only IMAGINE her pain. Her emotional pain, along with the physical pain that goes along with cancer and radiation. Did she have someone to turn to? A rock? Who helped her get through that tough time? I don’t know any of the answers, but I know she beat that fucking cancer.

Not only to have to go through it ALL over again. But this time, not ever being diagnosed. I know in my heart that she lived with cancer and KNEW it. She didn’t want anyone to know. Why? Because she couldn’t fight anymore? Because she “lived long enough”? What were the reasons? What a hard thing to live with and not reach out for help. Just to live in pain.

I miss her so much and sometimes I wish that she did have more fight in her. But who am I to judge? I’m just a girl, who misses her mom and wishes she had one more day, or week or hour.

I hope that cancer never affects my family again. But if it does, I promise to be all I can for that person.


CAUTION: Emo Alert!

Not a fan of 2012 thus far! Not too much has gone my way since
I watched that damn ball drop. 

I will not go into detail... Three days of anxiety attacks 
lead me to post the most powerful lyrics that speak to 
me from Gary Jules', "Mad World"... 

Its just where I'm at...
All around me are familiar faces Worn out places, worn out faces  
Bright and early for the daily races 
Going nowhere, going nowhere  
Their tears are filling up their glasses 
No expression, no expression 
Hide my head I wanna drown my sorrow 
No tomorrow, no tomorrow 
And I find it kind of funny, 
I find it kind of sad 
The dreams in which I'm dying 
are the best I've ever had 
I find it hard to tell you, 
I find it hard to take 
When people run in circles 
its a very, very Mad world, mad world! 

Carry on!!

In HER Honor!

Today, the seven year anniversary of heaven gaining an angel, I embark on a new adventure. Mary Jane always instilled life long learning in all of the children she came in contact with, even her own.

Over 2 years ago, C and I tried to reproduce one of his family’s old recipes. Needless to say, I ruined it. I was crushed. Other than a few box or pre-made mixes, I have NOT baked since then. I was mortified to dust my apron off and try again.

Until last week, that is. I was watching an ep of Dr. Oz with Rachel Ray. She shared a similar story, but she didn’t bake again for near 30 years. After her hiatus, she started off slow and got back into it. If the 30 minute meal guru can do it, why can’t I?

For Christmas, C got me a stand mixer. He knew I wanted to conquer this fear. Best gift ever. I love that guy. A great material gift, but it MEANS so much more.

So, in honor of the best mom in the world, I break the seal on that enormous box and conquer that intimidation. I chose an oatmeal butterscotch cookie. They came out ok, with room for improvement. I am not feeling down, that I did not knock it out of the park. I will try again and keep practicing.

The mudder would be so proud. I did not shed one tear today. Several people shared their memories of her. This helped to keep me in great spirits. I continue to keep her in my heart and know that she is always with me. She “shows” herself quite often as a reminder…


Little reminder…

After talking to a friend that I haven’t heard from in a while, I got this text…

“Your momma raised a wonderful woman! She’s with you Katy, always remember that. I’m glad you were brought in to our lives 🙂 You are good people!”

Of course, I instantly burst into tears. But it did made me feel good. I miss you, Mom. Merry Christmas, hope you and Chick Hearn are sending our boys good vibes!!

Fear the Flock!!

I’m not afraid of too many things, I can stomach alot! Flocks of BIRDS? Mmmhmm, yea…insert anxiety!

Not sure how it started, but I have realized my fear in my adult life. I’m ok with one bird, two birds, maybe even three. But when there’s a flock of them, forget it.

As a child, I always wondered where the birds went at night. You rarely see a bird at night! Several years ago I learned that ALL the crows of California go to sleep at DISNEYLAND. I remember it as if it were yesterday! My sister and I were in line to get popcorn at dusk. The whole sky turned black and constant cawing of crows was deafening. I was scared. I had to get away. I had to seek shelter.

In the past two days, 2 separate friends saw/encountered flocks of their own. Of course they HAD TO share. Luckily, pictures do not scare me. Thanks for sharing Rebekah and Jennifer!




Good Luck Charli!


Last April, I took my class on a field trip to PetCo! I fell in love with a baby guinea pig that had 27 cow licks in her hair. Worst hair day pig in the whole bunch. But I loved her. She was up for adoption. $30 bucks and we could take her back to school.

Now, all I had to do was convince our Director that we NEEDED this new addition to our family. I found an old cage and cleaned it all up. A fancy tri-level abode for my new princess!! She finally agreed and went to pick her up.

I have loved and cared for her ever since! I’ve taken her home on long weekends, bought her treats, taught the kids how to care for her, etc. She loves me too, when I come near the cage she squeaks and squeals her little heart out. Charli loved to be held and brushed! She’s a good little pig!!

The last month or so, I’ve been helping a another school. I brought Charli home, in hopes that I could bring her to the new school.

Nope!! One of the teachers, those we don’t speak of, is so nosey and such a busy body, she doesn’t like the fact that I have the guinea pig. So I had to send her back to that school where only one person in a staff of 10, likes animals.

That’s BS!! If the cage wasn’t so expensive, I would offer to pay them to keep her. I’m so sad…

Won’t happen to ME!


Growing up, I had a friend who’s boyf put hands on her. I remember saying, “shiiieeet, I’d NEVER let that happen to me!”

Well guess what? It did!

I was in a very UNhealthy relationship. I dealt with alot of verbal abuse, got physically pushed around and knocked down. I allowed it! In my head, being with him was better than nothing. It took me quite a while to figure out that this WAS not the case.

The last straw, you ask!? Being punched in side of my head (cheekish earrish area) like I was a dude. His family saw it go down and did NOTHING!! Hell yea, I fought back! Didn’t do too much damage, but I did what I could. After all was said and done, I played my cards right, drove away from him AND that relationship!!

Now, I have enough self worth to know that I will not accept that BS in my life. I do not blame anyone. I made the choice to stick around. I made the choice to settle. Now I choose to be happy…

I can really say, “It won’t happen to me ever again!”



This is a very hard post…

I’ve struggled with the idea of posting this, but this blog is for and about me! So here goes…

If you know me, you know I LOVE kids! I’m kinda like a kid whisperer! In public, kids are drawn to me. I have this kid aura! That being said, when I meet new parents at work, they are amazed that I do NOT have kids. I always get: “You don’t have kids?”, “How old are you?”, “What are you waiting for?”.

It’s just not our time. Someday I will be fortunate to be called the name I’ve yearned for…MOMMY! I will have earned and prepared for it!!

I would be lying if I said that I didn’t want to be blessed with a baby NOW! I’m a bit sad and jealous (not an attractive trait, but it’s the truth!) when I see all my friends as parents sharing the love, running themselves ragged for their kids and making it happen.

Someday that will be me!! I can’t wait!! I pray everyday that I can do it without the guidance of my own mom!! I can only dream, for now…

My Angel!!

Do you believe in angels? Have you ever have a loved one that has passed away, come back and make their presence known? Are you open to it!?

Since my mom has passed, she has made her presence known quite often.

Tonight, C and I were at Lola’s (Mexican restaurant) by the house. We were talking about my mom and her love for Mexican food. As we were talking, a Cranberries song came on. Coincidence? No, I don’t believe it was. I immediately got goosebumps and tears in my eyes.

She hated my love for hip hop. When I use to run her around on errands, she always asked me to play the Cranberries!! I’d always oblige…

I know you are always with me mom!! Thank you for making your presence known!! I miss you…

My Moon!


Our evening walk meant a lot more to me tonight…

A very bright, full moon shone down on me. I’ve seen several full moons in passing months but this one just struck me a certain way.

As a toddler, I would wake up during the night requesting the moon! “Moooooon, mooooon, moooon!” My mom would rescue me from my crib and take me to a window with a view so that I could see MY moon. After gazing at it’s beauty and wonder, my mom would return me to my slumber to finish my night’s sleep.

Tonight, I will have a peaceful sleep with all the happy memories of the best mom a child could ask for…