The past two years have been a long windy road of learning experiences. I didn’t realize how dependent I was, until you were not here. You always taught us to do for ourselves and not rely on others. I have finally come to understand this. In a way, you can say I was sheltered when it came to some experiences. Alot of things I didn’t encounter because I was afraid or didn’t want to stir the pot at home. I have made some changes in my life and have kept some that I believe are worth while. The circle of friends that I continue to keep are GREAT to me. Each are different in their own way, and I love their differences. I can admit that I don’t have a load of friends, but the ones I do have I cherish and I hope they realize that. They have been here for me through the DRAMA that I have been immersed in during the last couple of years. Some of the things I brought upon myself and some were just inevitable.
Mom, I do need your help in trying to understand how my siblings are treating me. I DO understand their concern for me in my “new” relationship. BUT, I think they are coming into it with an already negative outlook on it. I totally see walls up in their interactions with him. Sara is quick to make a dumb face or question him when he says things. Beth is continually a smart ass, but I think that Sara influences what she thinks. And Steve just is too cool. He continues to have the tough guy attitude and has not allowed Jabari to see the real Stevie. Sara and Beth have told me that they think that Jabari has changed me. I do not see any change in my demeanor. The only thing that I know has changed is the amount of time that I hang out with them. Sara in particular. I have made an effort to change this, with both of them. I see Sara being more receptive. I cannot say the same for Beth. All I can do is continue to try and hope for the best.
I can say that Jabari has been great in helping me deal with me missing you. He can see when I’m starting to get sad and he makes me laugh. He helps me reflect and let it all out when I cry. When I just need to be near him, he’s here; holding my hand, lending me his shoulder, rubbing my back or just holding me. We continue to grow in our relationship. I know you see it and are watching out for me.
People continue to tell me that I will deal with your loss better in time. I can say that I am not a mopey and weepy as previous times. BUT it still hurts. I hold on to the wonderful memories that we shared. I laugh, smile, cry, wonder and daydream when thinking about you. You will always be in my heart and in my thoughts.
I LOVE YOU….Kater 🙂